A.A Schenna
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A Woman's Heart

I leaned against the white wall and half-closed my eyes while struggling to stay calm and hoping she would make the right decision. I took a deep breath and looked up at the white ceiling as my hands kept shaking. I couldn’t stop thinking of the loss, nor could I make up my mind immediately, acting like a real man, without fighting back tears.

The moment I heard the footsteps of the aged woman behind me, I froze in fear and couldn’t think clearly. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to hear, I didn’t know what to expect since I was certain she would have to tell me the news which would define the rest of my life, and I would remain responsible for my careless action forever. The smell of the hospital and the big hall would haunt my memory for the next many weeks, months and years.

I always trusted my instincts and already knew I had made the worst mistake of my life. I would regret my hesitation; I should have done something to prevent this from happening. I should dare to fight against my vanity and selfishness because I truly loved her. If only I had acted drastically earlier.

“Mr. Pears,” the nurse whispered and looked into my eyes while she shook her head. In no time I felt embarrassed, I knew I was a coward who had decided to run away from the problem I had caused and didn’t have the intention to deal with it.

“Yes,” I murmured. I felt like a criminal; I felt like being the most disgusting person on earth. Moreover, I sensed her words and her thoughts while I also felt that I had to apologize for not being mature. I had turned red, and soon, I started avoiding the nurse’s sight. Yes, I was a coward and the worst person because I was still looking forward to running into relief.

The aged woman pulled her long, black hair away from her pale face and smiled at me, giving me the courage to let my speech free, making me feel relaxed and ready to accept reality. I guessed she realized that I needed support, and moreover, I had the desperate need to hear from someone that everything would get better and things would change. I bit my lips and did my best to hold my tears since I was ready to cry like a little boy who had screwed up everything just because there were rules I hadn’t followed.

“You look like my son; he is just like you. Leo is in his early twenties and he thinks he knows everything. He is tall, muscular with big blue eyes like yours, but he is not ready to meet the challenges of life yet,” she said with a little laugh as I was sure I would never forget her words. I averted my eyes and tried to find the strength to ask a question about my partner since my girl was going through hell, and even now, I hoped I would wake up and things would be the same as usual. I still wanted to find the secret path to heaven and limitless love again, and although I was face to face with the biggest challenge of my life, I dreamed of being somewhere else. I wished I was a bird, a free bird. If only I could fly high and get away from everything as soon as I could.

Instead, I came back to reality and decided that it was the time to confront the consequences of my own actions and stupid decisions.

“How is she?” I asked vaguely.

“I am afraid it’s too late to change things,” the nurse said and pulled her black hair back, leaving me alone. Some doctors were calling out for her and she left my side. I was confused. I wanted to scream.